I saw this list posted on Facebook. Below each statement, in red, is my response to it. The original list is actually pretty good, (unknown author), but I’m in a weird place these days so some of my responses are meant as a joke, some are serious, and some I would need Freud to figure out!
— one high school teacher’s list of 100 wisest word
1. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs is not one of them.
Unless you don’t know how to swim, than the stairs is a good idea!
2. Never cancel dinner plans by text message.
Unless you’re stuck on the east coast during hurricane Sandy (I was) and texting is all that is working!
3. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.
Terrorism is evil. I knocked it and I have not tried it.
4. If a street performer makes you stop walking, you owe him a buck.
What if the only reason I stop is because he is in my way?
5. Always use ‘we’ when referring to your home team or your government.
A good friend of mine that was in the Army wasn’t a fan of this, because “we” won’t lose a leg, but he could have.
6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
Unless that secret involves doing harm to the person or someone else. Or the tabloids will pay you a whole bunch of money for it! (j/k)
7. Don’t underestimate free throws in a game of ‘horse’.
I promise for the rest of my life I will never do that again! Happy now?
8. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
I’m sorry, but when I have to go, I’m going.
9. Don’t dumb it down.
Yes, why risk being understood?
10. You only get one chance to notice a new haircut.
Only if that is the last new haircut you ever see.
11. If you’re staying more than one night, unpack.
Okay, but no promises about doing laundry.
12. Never park in front of a bar.
The first spots are usually for the handicapped anyway.
13. Expect the seat in front of you to recline. Prepare accordingly.
True that. People get way to emotional about reclining seats.
14. Keep a picture of your first fish, first car, and first boy/girlfriend.
I never took a picture of my first fish (maybe he has a facebook page!) My first car stopped talking to me after I totaled it. And my current girlfriend might get a little peeved if I carry a picture of my first around!
15. Hold your heroes to a high standard.
A high standard, but one they can live up to…otherwise prepare to feel disappointed and possibly betrayed.
16. A suntan is earned, not bought.
There is honor in honesty, not suffering…don’t confuse the two.
17. Never lie to your doctor.
But don’t fully trust him/her either. Or better yet: Trust but verify.
18. All guns are loaded.
And people can be guns.
19. Don’t mention sunburns. Believe me, they know.
Do mention in-burns… they probably do not know.
20. The best way to show thanks is to wear it. Even if it’s only once.
The best way to show thanks is to authentically be thankful. The rest will take care of itself.
21. Take a vacation of your cell phone, internet, and TV once a year.
Good idea but I would need a support group to ditch the internet.
22. Don’t fill up on bread, no matter how good.
Don’t fill up on anything, no matter how good. Too much will lead to you…
23. A handshake beats an autograph.
And a warm smile beats a handshake.
24. Don’t linger in the doorway. In or out.
Phrased another way by author Steven Forrest: Don’t stand with one foot on the dock and one on a boat that is setting out to sea.
25. If you choose to go in drag, don’t sell yourself short.
If you choose to go period, don’t sell yourself short!
26. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.
Better yet, have your astrology chart done.
27. Never get your hair cut the day of a special event.
If you’re bald like me I guess that means don’t shave your head?
28. Be mindful of what comes between you and the Earth. Always buy good shoes, tires, and sheets.
Yeah but don’t space out on socks, car breaks and blankets either!
29. Never eat lunch at your desk if you can avoid it.
Wherever you eat, be present with your food and savior every bite.
30. When you’re with new friends, don’t just talk about old friends.
Talk about subjects of meaning and or mutual pleasure.
31. Eat lunch with the new kids.
If you feel comfortable doing so, not because you read it in a blog….
32. When traveling, keep your wits about you.
For any life event that stresses you, anticipate and mentally prepare for the event ahead of time.
33. It’s never too late for an apology.
Sadly, mortality would suggest otherwise.
34. Don’t pose with booze.
Or at least don’t post it on instagram!
35. If you have the right of way, take it.
There are times that even when you have the right of way, you don’t have the right of way. (Think old lady standing on a bus)
36. You don’t get to choose your own nickname.
But it may be subject to negotiation.
37. When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family.
That’s all I need, another reason not to commit!
38. Never push someone off a dock.
But be sure and pull them in if they push you!
39. Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant.
OMG, I almost did this in a business meeting to a woman who was NOT pregnant. Heed this warning!
40. It’s not enough to be proud of your ancestry; live up to it.
But in a way that is true to who you are…
41. Don’t make a scene.
All activity is a scene… make the scenes you want, make them count, and try avoid the scenes you may regret later.
42. When giving a thank you speech, short and sweet is best.
Maybe… but I’d rather speak a few seconds too long and not forget to thank someone than worry about being short and sweet.
43. Know when to ignore the camera.
Always ignore the camera and be true to yourself.
44. Never gloat.
You can gloat once in a great while. But don’t make a habit of it!
45. Invest in good luggage.
Unless you can invest in good stock!
46. Make time for your mom on your birthday. It’s her special day, too.
Make time for your mom everyday… unless she is some crazy psycho abusive nut job, than give yourself permission to let go.
47. When opening presents, no one likes a good guesser.
Really? Good guesses I don’t mind. Lack of enthusiasm or enjoyment is a bummer.
48. Sympathy is a crutch, never fake a limp.
But don’t hide one for too long either.
49. Give credit. Take blame.
50. Suck it up every now and again.
If only it were every now and again!
51. Never be the last one in the pool.
Unless the pool is filled with Sharks.
52. Don’t stare.
Staring is okay in the right situation… It’s the stalking I worry about.
53. Address everyone that carries a firearm professionally.
Not necessarily out of respect but because they can kill you!
54. Stand up to bullies. You’ll only have to do it once.
When in doubt, consult someone in higher authority.
55. If you’ve made your point, stop talking.
Verify that you have been understood. If yes listen. If not, dumb it down! Ha ha! (see number 9 on this list)
56. Admit it when you’re wrong.
Only if I can rub it in when I’m right J
57. If you offer to help don’t quit until the job is done.
Or don’t offer more than you are capable of helping.
58. Look people in the eye when you thank them.
But only thank them if you mean it.
59. Thank the bus driver.
Thank everyone who provides a service to you or does something kind.
60. Never answer the phone at the dinner table.
Or text, check the net… man this one needs to be updated.
61. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
If you are truly sorry and have a plan to at least try to avoid them in the future.
62. Know at least one good joke.
But keep updating otherwise the joke can get stale real fast!
63. Don’t boo. Even the ref is somebody’s son.
Booing is all in fun… Getting personal, or worse discriminatory, is what I have a problem with.
64. Know how to cook one good meal.
Between that and your one good joke, you’ll have one good date… Maybe.
65. Learn to drive a stick shift.
I’m in my mid-forties…never learned, and doing okay.
66. Be cool to younger kids. Reputations are built over a lifetime.
Be cool period.
67. It’s okay to go to the movies by yourself.
Just don’t wear a baseball cap and a trench coat.
68. Dance with your mother/father.
Dance…Sing…Write… Be creative and share the joy.
69. Don’t lose your cool. Especially at work.
People who often lose their cool probably never really had it.
70. Always thank the host.
With wine and a babka cake… (Sorry Costanza, rings dings and soda won’t cut it)
71. If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late.
What’s the point of this list?
72. Know the size of your boy/girlfriend’s clothes.
Especially if they’re not pregnant!
73. There is nothing wrong with a plain t-shirt.
Who said there was?
74. Be a good listener. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk.
If it helps… Think of being a good listener as being selfish. Aside from being the right thing to do, it will help you get what you want.
75. Keep your word.
Or only give it away when you intend to honor it.
76. In college, always sit in the front. You’ll stand out immediately.
It’s not about standing out. Always put yourself in the best position to succeed.
77. Carry your mother’s bags. She carried you for nine months.
Assuming you can, this should be a given (assuming your mom isn’t a psycho abusive nut.)
78. Be patient with airport security. They’re just doing their jobs.
Be patient with anyone doing their job, (legal ones anyway), unless they are not doing it right or fair. Then still be nice… until it’s time not to be nice.
79. Don’t be the talker in a movie.
Yes, be the talker in therapy.
80. The opposite sex likes people who shower.
What about the same-sex? Okay to have B.O. around them?
81. You are what you do, not what you say.
Okay, this one is stolen right from, “actions speak louder than words.”
82. Learn to change a tire.
This could save your life… or at least get you to an appointment on time. (At the very least, join AAA)
83. Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them.
And because it feels better inside than being mean.
84. An hour with grandparents is time well spent. Ask for advice when you need it.
Maybe, but if you’re mom is a psycho abusive nut job, she got it from somewhere. Labels don’t endow people with wisdom. Ask for advice only if you trust the advice giver.
85. Don’t litter.
Treat the earth like your home… after all, it is!
86. If you have a sister, get to know her boyfriend. Your opinion is important.
But should be offered when asked for or when needed.
87. You won’t always be the strongest or the fastest. But you can be the toughest.
And you can still finish sooner and get more done…
88. Never call someone before 9am or after 9pm.
Unless they’re old than it is more like 7am and 7pm.
89. Buy the orange properties in Monopoly.
Don’t buy property unless you understand the market!
90. Make the little things count.
Make everything count!
91. Always wear a bra at work.
Except on casual Fridays.
92. There is a fine line between looking sultry and slutty. Find it.
Find what is right for you. Let all of your actions match your intentions.
93. You’re never too old to need your mom.
Please realize this before it’s too late. (Unless your mom is a …I think I’ve made my point… And by the way, my mom was an angel.)
94. Ladies, if you make the decision to wear heels on the first date, commit to keeping them on and keeping your trap shut about how much your feet kill.
Guys, if you make the decision to wear a hairpiece on the first date, make sure that thing is cemented on and can’t possibly fall off!
95. Know the words to your national anthem.
And if you’re in America, know who the freakin Vice President is!
96. Your dance moves might not be the best, but I promise making a fool of yourself is more fun then sitting on the bench alone.
Maybe for some, but not for all… If you’re stuck in the middle, take a dance lesson.
97. Smile at strangers.
Some might think your weird but maybe worth a try.
98. Make goals.
Short term attainable ones and long-term ones… Be sure to give yourself credit for the goals you reach before moving on.
99. Being old is not dictated by your bedtime.
Old is an illusion of time and how we feel. In truth we are all very very young!
100. If you have to fight, punch first and punch hard.
I’m more of a counter puncher myself.